This place is hell
These are the final seconds of my life.
“I hope you’ll rot in hell”, he said and I just laughed. “What’s so damn funny, asshole?”
“Hell, you say. That’s ironic. My entire life, I wondered what hell would be like. You know, I don’t believe in Christian mythology or in any other religious mythology for that matter. But the idea of a place like hell always fascinated me. And then I found it.”
“You found hell?”
“Yes. This is it.”
“I’m gonna be your own personal hell, you can count on that.”
“No. Not you. It’s right here, in this place, in this life, in my each and every day.”
“What you talking about?”
“You know that sweet little metaphor of the tiger in its cage, right? It’s walking up and down, up and down in its cell, all day long. What else should it do anyway? It’s trapped, so walking up and down is all it can do, simulating its own life with each hopeless step it makes. And while the tiger does that, the outside world is right next to it, right behind the bars of its cage. The creature longs for this world. This is what the tiger wants, what it really, really wants. And here’s the sad part: Each and every second of its days, of its life, the tiger sees what it longs for, what it wants so badly. It’s like torture, man, seeing what you really want and never being able to hold it in your hands.”
“So?”
“That tiger is me. Every now and then in my life, there were things that I really, really wanted, that I really, really cared about. Things I longed for so badly it literally hurt. And I found them. I found them right under my very nose. I was so happy, you wouldn’t believe it.”
“Good for you.”
“No. No, you don’t understand. Every time I found one of those things, a woman, a job, an achievement or whatever it was, you name it, I was like that tiger. I saw those things. They were close enough to see them in all their beauty, all their glory, close enough to grab them and never let them vanish again. When I found one of those things, it made me happy beyond words. And yet when I tried, when I actually did try to grab them, I failed, I couldn’t reach them, none of them. It felt like there was a wall between me and those things, a wall made of glass, a wall I could never penetrate. So all those things I ever wanted in my life… they were right there, right next to me, still I wasn’t able to get hold of them. If you go on and on and you do not find what you’re looking for, deep inside your heart, that’s not a problem, right, cause you just keep on searching. But if you do find it and it slips away, it breaks your back, you know. I wish I had lived an unremarkable life, I wish I had never found any of those things I truly longed for in the first place, cause my happiness turned into pain each time I realized those things were out of reach. Minutes felt like days, hours felt like months. Like said tiger I saw the world I longed for so badly and all that I could do was turn around and go for another walk up and down in my stupid cage, cause I never ever brought down that glass wall.”
“Makes you appreciate all those things you’re actually able to get, eh?”
“Yes. Yes, that’s what I thought as well. That’s what I told myself all my life. I thought, maybe I wasn’t supposed to get those things. Maybe I should just be happy with what I got, with what I can get, with what I do reach. But then again, this doesn’t help the tiger in its cage, does it? It’s a lie. It’s still a tiger in its cage longing for the outside world right next to it, a world it will never get to. So each and every time I saw one of those things that meant to me what I always longed for and never could reach, it left a scar.”
“Too many scars and you’re falling apart.”
“If only that were true. I can’t remember how often I wished I would have crumbled. I never did. You know the perfect torture, the ultimate pain? It’s one that never ends. They torture you, they threaten to kill you, but you don’t give in. There comes a point when you just want it to end. You won’t give in, but you don’t want to take this any longer either. And then, when you’ve made your peace, when you’re ready to die, they tell you they’re actually going to kill you. That’s what you hoped for, right. You feel relieved. It’s over, finally. They put a bag over your head and walk you out of the room. You’re satisfied, happy even, cause you didn’t give in, and now, after all, everything’s going to end. The pain won’t come back. But then they take away the bag and you find yourself in a different room, with a different interrogator, starting all over again. They’ve taken away your last best hope and you realize there will never be an end. Unless you give in. It’s a circle of pain and there’s no escape. This is hell and that’s what I found life to be like, with all those things I never got but was doomed to see.”
“Well”, he said. “That’s gonna be a relief then, I guess.” Then he shot me.
I’m dying right now, and for the first time in my life I feel entirely, totally happy. I’ve no idea what’s coming up next. I might end up in real hell, as real as it gets. It doesn’t matter. I don’t care. Because whatever is about to come can’t be worse than what I called my life, for it was hell.
(ein wenig inspiriert von The Sunset Limited)
